My Message to Graham Platner - Take the Money and Run!

Look, as a former Democrat who realized the only thing more reliable than winter in Maine is the steady, moderate hand of Senator Susan Collins, I have a message for the progressive wunderkind currently imploding in Augusta: Graham, don't you dare quit.

The "elites" are coming for you, buddy. Democratic Party leaders, legislative bosses, and even national heavyweights like Elizabeth Warren and Chuck Schumer are screaming for you to drop out by the July 13 deadline. They’re "scrambling" behind the scenes to replace you with someone like Shenna Bellows or Nirav Shah. But as a self-respecting cynical observer, I say: ignore them. Take the money and run.

You’ve raised over $16 million with only a sexy voice and platitudes and you’ve got only $2 million left. Any true socialist knows that the best way to stick it to the system is to milk those bleeding-heart progressive donors dry before you head for the hills.

Think of your future, Graham! We know oyster farming and "lying" is hard on the back. You’re already collecting $4,800 a month in tax-free disability for fighting in wars you now claim to hate. Why stop there? If you stay in this race through November, you can build a comfortable nest egg to live off, especially if you play the roaring stock market right.

Who cares about the "new” accusations of sexual assault or the fact that your support has cratered? So what if you lied about a Nazi tattoo or were recruited by weird bearded men from away? You have the only endorsement that matters in this state: Stephen King. If a billionaire horror writer thinks you should stay in the race, who am I—or the 100-plus members of the Maine Democratic State Committee—to argue?

By staying in, you aren't just a candidate; you’re the king maker of the no-kings clique. You are providing the best gift possible to yourself and Senator Collins by keeping the Democratic Party in a state of absolute, transparent chaos. It’s a “win win” situation!

So, Graham, keep that $2 million and keep ignoring the July deadline. The "path forward" is clear: stay in, stay paid, and let the scramble continue. Maine politics hasn't been this entertaining since... well, ever.